Gravitating

When the weather got cooler I spent more time inside the cabin and from sunup to sundown my one adamance was that every single curtain was to be drawn wide open, so much so that sometimes I would even twist the thicker ones around themselves so that the most light possible shone through and brought some vibrancy into the tiny living space. There was an old leather recliner next to a pair of double windows where I liked to sit, and with an intention towards normalcy I had set up a little bird feeder in a small clear in the woods just a few yards away. I preferred this view as much if not more than my phone or a book, and for this reason I kept the feeder full.

When I spent time outside I reveled in the comfort of the small screened-in porch. The comforts of rustling leaves and the shimmering lake would have been enough to satisfy my need for distraction, but as the days passed I discovered an additional reward in the dependable sound of a woodpecker working nearby. For months my neck snapped in the direction of the tap-tap-tap and although a couple times I thought I caught a flash of red headed towards the treetops, in the end the bird seemed elusive enough for me to believe that it must have had no interest in any of the trees within my line sight. My heart continued to jump when I heard the bird near, but I accepted my fate and allowed my excitement to segue into a mild appreciation; at least I knew when he was near, and that made me happy too.

Then one December morning while I was entranced by the diversity of animals that had gathered around the feeder, the most beautiful woodpecker landed on a nearby tree and began scaling the trunk, round and round, up and down in the most charming, hip-hoppy ways. It was my first time ever seeing a woodpecker and I was so excited. He had a soft, round light gray belly, the most perfect bold black and white stripes and polka dots on his wings and back, and a bright red spot on the top of his head that faded to a bright orange and then to coral as it traveled down the back of his neck to meet the stripes.

My mother and I both thoroughly enjoyed birdwatching and had spent the last couple summers comparing pictures of backyard birds, so naturally I texted her to share my excitement. I told her that I had been keeping the ground covered with seeds and the feeder full, and I told her about the different species that had been visiting and now, about the new visitor. She responded immediately by saying, “I’m very glad they bring you joy! Always gravitate towards things that bring you joy!”

Her words stopped me. I hadn’t even realized it until she said it, but she was right. The profoundness of my mother revealing to me that I was feeling joy made me realize what had happened, and it was amazing. My dulled mind had become muted for a little while, and I had just been an observer, I had just been me, having an experience. I had been nowhere else but in my chair by the windows, with all of the sun shining in around me, and I was in no other time except in that very moment. And that was where I found joy again.

I cemented in my mind my mother’s wisdom to always gravitate towards joy. I’ve found that moving away from what does not bring me joy is equally as important as moving towards what does, but during times of uncertainty, when what to move away from or what to move towards isn’t clear and can’t be sorted out by the brain or even the heart, I remember the bird feeder, and that I can always at least bring myself to now, to this moment.

Now is all that I will ever have, and nothing else is ever real except everything that is, from this moment, to the next, and to the next. And my ability to sit and unravel myself into one moment at a time is something that was realized and held onto that day. Incrementally and profoundly, beliefs and understandings that I held about myself and about everything around me were blossoming, and I was ready to receive.

---

“When desire is strong, solutions are ready.”

-Abraham Hicks

---

Click here to learn about my little friend, the red-bellied woodpecker 💕