Stunned

Two years ago I was so past the point of done that I believed separating myself from everything that took me away from joy would suffice to settle me into a feeling of peace, but it doesn’t work like that. I admit that I have reached the point where the peaceful moments in my life have the potential to catalyze into the most blissful I’ve ever experienced, but the path to now has been so full of the breaking open of the fractured parts of me that I would be remiss to deny credit where it’s due.

For the last two years every fall from grace can be traced back to the fact that my efforts were misplaced on my belief that I had to effort towards happiness. It was too incredible, too simple of a concept for me to believe that my life was never meant to be one of effort in the first place. Despite my best intentions, every time I gained momentum I once again found myself right back where I started; sinking, low and dark. But each time while I rose up, while my energy was still fatigued and my heart was content to beat on the side of finding light again, my spirit embraced a newfound sense of peace while it rested in the more subtle flow. Finally, I realized. Rest. And flow.

Abandoning the reflex to remain in control was the action that afforded me the most control I have ever had. All along, a simple and authentic gratitude was sufficient to propel all aspects of my life. A profoundness settled as time and time again I became lost in the past and present, and veritably I tell you that this is the best place in the whole world to be.

I consider my love of the sky and of cooking and in driving with the sunroof open and windows down. I feel the moments lived during these experiences and I smile at their tangibility.

I was lost in what it would be like to touch the disturbable wisp of a cirrus compared to the dense coolness of a cumulus. I was searching the cabinet for herbs and spices, my tongue’s imagination in tandem with my fingers as they touched plastic containers to create masterpieces that filled my family’s bellies and happied their hearts. My daughter and I were cruising too fast down a wide open interstate, hitting all the riffs, dancing on stage and giving the performance of our lives.

In an instant I look up and I’m stunned by the beauty of a cloud that has piled up on top of itself, full and white with crystal blue edges, majestic, large and soft. In retrospect I remember that I saw the most beautiful cloud, but in that moment of being stunned, something much more happened. To be completely lost in something, no mind, no body, no thinking and no presence- only lost and absorbed by it- allowed for an experience where all of the resistance of life ceased, and being and beauty were all that was. The connections experienced during these moments are unquantifiably profound, and within them lies the power that continues to propel me towards an experience of continuous wonder of intangible nature.

There is so much to be read about reaching that point of peace with oneself and with all that is. The world is acutely aware of the few individuals deemed masters of such who spent their lives relentlessly emanating their wisdoms and their how’s, reinforcing the sense of unattainability that seems to preclude such mastery. Gandhi, Buddha, Confucius. Yet at some point we all find ourselves of the very same mind; we are an entire consciousness seeking a purpose and an explanation.

I will not consent that it is too lofty a goal for me to reach the same level of awareness. As my thoughts can now settle and my actions can now flow, I understand that my compass will lead me there, and I can never hope for anything less. I have come so far in such a short amount of time, and I have nothing to lose and absolutely everything to gain.

I will continue to trust my intuition, as it consistently guides me towards what is right and what is good, and I will never disregard the urging that goes on inside me that was muffled for too long. It is difficult, and it is not always clear. It is a process, to learn to trust myself. But for now, with all around me quieted, at least I give myself a fighting chance to hear.